When BDSM & your Marriage Don’t Mesh

I’ve been following a certain Dominant for about a month, and he’s been very prolific in his postings. However, within the last few days, he suddenly went completely silent. Not only on my feed, but his Instagram account disappeared as well. I wasn’t sure why (it could easily be any number of reasons) but with every blogger, there are occasional dry spells. It’s just the ebb and flow of the writing process, usually.

As it turned out, on my feed is/was one of his submissives, and she posted an update yesterday explaining the silence. Apparently, he has/had an understanding with his (I’m guessing vanilla?) spouse about his BDSM activities. It basically said if there came a time when she was no longer comfortable with what he was doing, he’d stop. And apparently, that time has arrived, as he informed his online submissive that he would no longer be able to be her Dominant and that he was discontinuing their relationship. Which is an honorable thing to do, but on the other hand it’s pretty devastating for the other person in the situation, as one might imagine.

Sure. we’re all grown-ups here, and in her own blog post, she stated that she went into the whole situation with open eyes, understanding that this could happen at some point. Of course, no one expects the worst to happen, even when it does. I haven’t yet posted a reply to her post, but will soon after I post this. For support, if for no other reason. Just reading about it pains me, as I have my own agreement with my wife that is similar to this.

Without going into too much detail, my wife and I decided early on when our relationship shifted that we would ‘open’ our marriage to outside persons of interest. When we first got married, we were monogamous and things were pretty squared away in the BDSM realm. Then one of us (yes, you guessed it, me) decided we weren’t the way we felt when things began. Which threw a wrench into our relationship. The bones of the marriage were still there, but the BDSM component couldn’t continue without some tinkering.

So, after a long and detailed conversation (certainly more than a few tears were shed) it was decided we were going to stay married, we loved one another too much to just chuck the whole thing, BUT we both wanted to have BDSM in our lives, so we constructed our compromise. Open the marriage a crack, and let others in, however, there wouldn’t be any fluid exchange between those partners. Anyone who wished to enter into the marriage would have to be aware of that ironclad detail. If they weren’t ok with it, then the door was clearly marked.

It’s been 30 years now and the compromise is working, though it’s had hiccups along the way. The vast majority of my BDSM relationships have been long-distance, including my current one. My wife has had long-distance relationships for the most part, though there was one submissive who lived with us for about a month. He was mostly a ‘service submissive’ and did chores around the house, and was a pain junky, so there were a few times I ‘helped’ out when my wife was unable to swing a flogger or paddle with sufficient force to satisfy his needs. Once that task was accomplished, I left the playroom, I wasn’t interested in staying to watch.

I’m sure by now (props if you’re still reading) you’re more than likely wondering when I’m going to bring this bird in to land. Here’s the landing strip. Marriages and BDSM are a volatile combination. Especially when they get opened up to exterior players. I’m not saying ‘my way is best’, because it isn’t. It doesn’t apply to everyone else’s marriage, it works for mine. Certainly, my wife tomorrow could say ‘I think I’ve been patient enough, it’s time for you to come back to me and rescind our agreement.’ But thus far she hasn’t gone to that extreme. Yes, she essentially ‘retired’ from the scene many moons ago, but the agreement didn’t say once Partner A stops, Partner B stops as well. So long as we both adhere to the agreement, it continues on. Again, this doesn’t work for everyone.

I absolutely feel terrible for both of these people.. I didn’t know either of them for very long, and while their relationship has ended, I can only hope they both can continue on and make post-relationship life work.