life

Another door closes

I received a message while I was at work Friday. It was from the woman that I had interacted with last year. We had ‘met’ on FetLife and talked for a while, met in person, and even played a couple of times. But, life as it does, gets in the way. Her family has had issues over a long period of time, and that managed to put a crowbar into our interactions. (No fault of theirs, family issues happen.) Then COVID reared its ugly head and by early 2020, any further meetings were out of the question. So things went dormant. We kept in touch every now and again through FL as well as text, but there were long stretches of time when there would be no communication.

The message said basically, due to multiple deaths in her family over the ensuing months (not due to COVID) and an ongoing medical issue with her parents, she was going to be stepping away from kink for the foreseeable future. That too would mean she wouldn’t be meeting with me anymore either. She thanked me for what I had shared with her, and my patience over the year waiting for something that wasn’t going to reoccur. I told her (truth) that it was enjoyable while it lasted and wished her the best with whatever was to come in the future. I don’t see anything happening further on up the road with her. While it was interesting to explore a bit in the interim, we really didn’t ‘mesh’ very well in my opinion. Being completely brutally honest; I want to be playing with my slave. She’s the one that I’ve invested time and effort in, the one that I want to build a future with. But with COVID running rampant through the country right now, states going through their second version of lockdowns, and travel just not recommended, it’s not going to happen in 2020.

So another door closes. I’m biding my time and hoping for a better 2021. In this morning’s news, Moderna has said that their vaccine for COVID may be 94.5% effective. So there might actually be a light at the end of this tunnel after all. And not an oncoming train.

Investing for the future

My slave and I had a small conversation this afternoon, that sort of started when I arrived home from running errands with my wife.  It was a continuation of a conversation (after a fashion) she and I had been having over the last few days.  

She’s been having trouble getting used to using Spotify without the fancy doodads that are included with a paid membership.  I’ve been paying for her membership for the most part over the last year.  It ran out sometime in the last week or so, and the lack of the ability to fast forward as well as other expectations were getting to be a little much for her.  There was a veiled mention of the fact this week is National Nurse’s Aide Week, and generally, on those sorts of weeks, the professional or worker in question gets a gift.  Usually from their employer or a spouse, in recognition of the work that the person does and doesn’t necessarily get noticed or rewarded. 

I looked it up and yes it certainly is that particular week, and since none of her family were likely to be moved to give her anything, much less her employer (the CEO sent out a blanket statement to the workforce, thanking them for their hard work, their dedication and so on, basic boilerplate in lieu of anything more substantial, like money for instance) I was intending to extend her Spotify membership anyway, as a reward for all of her hard work and dedication and because sometimes its the right thing to do.  

Of course, I hadn’t done it right away, so there was a text message this afternoon for all intents and purposes pleading with me to re-up ASAP since she was really having a hard time without it.  My response in this instance was typically me “Oy”.   I also made reference to a saying that I have whenever someone says something is driving them crazy.  I would have thought after 3-4 years of knowing me, she would have known about it, and I even suggested she could earn brownie points for it, but no, she didn’t.  I had to clue her in about it.  Again.

Person #1:  I can’t stand it anymore, it’s driving me crazy!

Person #2: Y’know, it’s not so much a long drive, as a short putt.

Yes, I think it’s funny.  Honestly, I don’t care if you don’t.  If you do, woo woo and a ^5.

At this point, I made an off-hand comment about needing to make an Amazon shopping list, since there were several other things I knew she was out of, and with money being tight, unlikely she was going to be getting them anytime soon.  Naturally, once I put one thing in the cart (sunscreen) others started popping to mind that she was going to need in the near future.    At some point, I asked a question I hadn’t inquired about for many months.  Whether or not she had a decent pair of shoes for work.  As expected, the answer was no, she was still wearing ones she got from the dollar store, of all places.  So back to Amazon to seek out a sturdy pair of nurse’s shoes, that will last longer than however long dollar store shoes last.  Five minutes would be my off-handed guess on that one.  

Naturally, I found several possibles, but the designs on them were fairly hideous.  Does no one make shoes in plain white, or black anymore?  After more time than I thought I would spend on this mission, I finally came across a pair of Skechers that would do well.  Made certain of the sizing, and put them in the cart.  

Lastly, I asked about her medications.  In for a penny, in for a pound, right?  After some banter, and back and forth, she admitted that she was out of two important ones that are OTC, and could be ordered from Amazon.  Popped them into the cart, along with some generic Aleve and I was pretty much done.  I added in the Spotify gift card and called it complete.  During the final part of the conversation, we covered the one thing we always do, when she tells me “You don’t have to do this.”   Believe me, slave, I know I don’t have to.  But I also know no one else is going to help out.  You may not be blood, but in a very important manner, you’re my responsibility.   So I do what I can when I can.  If positions were reversed, you’d be doing this as well.  We’ve had that particular conversation more times than I can count.

I closed out the cart and put the shipping information in, my CC info and pressed the ‘Place the Order’ button.  It’s on its way to her and should arrive by Saturday.  I know she’s grateful, I know she’s also a bit melancholy that I had to bail her out again.  Should be a trifecta when she reads this and sees I posted about it.  

In for a penny, in for a pound.  I’m investing in our future.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Still slow but coming back

First off, my apologies for not posting more this month.  Been a bit of a slog with the web host that I use having a brain fart.  Every time that I want to check the blog, it takes more than 30-45 seconds to load (if not longer) and no one wants to wait as if they’re connected via dial-up for something to load.  They’ll lose interest and go somewhere else.

Earlier this week I took one of my domains and moved it to a different adult-friendly server with the hopes of moving this blog over to there.  Of course, nothing like that is easy either.  Between gaps, I was able to back up the blog here and try to move it, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t going. It would transfer, but wouldn’t load on the new server.  Even yesterday when this blog finally came back up, I attempted to use the ‘IMPORT/EXPORT’ feature on WP, but the new version of WP wouldn’t accept it, so I finally gave up.

This morning, there’s possibly good news.  Traffic on my various websites is up again (it had been down below 1 GB for over a week now) which means that people are able to get to them, and when I attempted to come here, it loaded after about 10 seconds.  Still, an eternity when you’re on a 100mbs hi-speed connection, but at least it’s way better than it has been. 

In the interim I’ve been reading others’ blogs and commenting on them, getting the occasional follow-back and spending time doing other things around the house, around the grounds and yep still buying toys.  Made a few missteps in that regard in the last week, which I’ll be detailing in the next couple of days.  There’s something to be said about ‘measure twice, order once’.  Fortunately, I didn’t outlay a few hundred dollars for that mistake.  Whew. 

Anyway, just thought I’d post an update here.  Have to work, to pay for the ability to do all this stuff, so I’m outta here for now.  Be good everyone.  Well, not too good. 

When you’re not -quite- family

I received a message from my birth mother this morning, informing me of the rather unexpected death of my Aunt Lorraine.  Except that I was unaware of Aunt Lorraine.  And I’m not entirely sure that she, or her family was aware of me.

I may have mentioned this before, but if I didn’t here it is now.  I was an adopted child.  As a baby.  3 days old as a matter of fact.  Born on a Saturday morning, shipped off to NYS (USA) on a Tuesday.  My birth mother was finally able to relate to me the story of how I came to be with another family in the same geographical area where she grew up.  Even if she was unaware of it at the time.  Since it was a private adoption, neither she nor her family was allowed to know where I ended up.  They could have made some guesses, due to the lawyer that worked the adoption at one end (he was local), but other than that, it was private, closed, and she wasn’t permitted to know more details than basic ones. (Loving family, had one child already)

Anyway, after ‘Mom’ told me about Aunt Lorraine’s passing (via text message, I was asleep when she sent it) I did a little digging and came across Lorraine’s obituary.  Then her FB page.  I didn’t do much digging after that, because what I found out was nice, but a little disconcerting as well.  But not wholly unexpected when you think about it.

Lorraine lived a long life, was much-loved by her family, and had several children of her own (my cousins).  She was very active, even into her 80s (84 when she died last week).  Lots of activities, some travel, interactions and she was religious, or so it seemed from the posts from her church and in reference to church related activities.  I do have to mention here that Lorraine was not my direct relation.  She wasn’t my mother’s sister, she was the sister of the man who my mother married in the 1970s.  NOT my birth father, so Lorraine wasn’t a direct relation.  Sort of an Aunt once removed.  But the thing that irked me a little was how the obituary was printed and shared in the newspaper.  To be blunt, I wasn’t listed.  My half-brother and half-sister are there, but no mention of me or my wife.

Now, I can understand how it came to be, even though its been 2 years since my mother and I were reunited, I’m still much of an afterthought when it probably comes to familial interactions on her side of the state.  To be honest, it took my Mom all of about 20 months before she listed me as her son on her FB profile.  She said she hadn’t really thought about it, and I can understand and appreciate that, but now it’s corrected and out there for anyone to see if they care to look.  My conception, birth and adoption in the 1960s was one of her family’s things they didn’t discuss, considering the fact that when she was found to be pregnant in 1964, she was shipped off to live with an aunt in Indiana.  So that the neighbors in their little town wouldn’t know that an unwed mother was living in their midst.  While nowadays that can be considered normal, 50 years ago it just wasn’t.  Too, this was 8 years pre Roe v. Wade, so an abortion wasn’t legal.  Not that they weren’t done, but getting one required extraneous or extraordinary circumstance.  No Planned Parenthood, nothing of that nature.  It was considered (and was) illegal, period.

So, Aunt Lorraine has passed on.  Obviously, we’re not going to the funeral.  I offered my condolences to Mom and her husband Ron, and wished them safe travels (they’re flying up from Florida for the services, staying a couple of days then flying back to resume their winter layover that they do every year) seeing as it’s snowing here in NY currently.  I expect my half-brother and his family will be at the funeral as they live locally.  Fairly certain my half-sister won’t be driving up from VA, since they have 2 small children and travel might be a little problematic, too they’re both teachers and would more than likely have a little difficulty getting the time off from work to travel.

Having this to think about the last day has me wondering what’s going to happen when Mom does eventually die.  Is it going to be late in the planning stages when someone finally remembers that I need to be notified?  My half-siblings and I don’t have the most engaging of relationships.  When I visited the area 2 years ago, my half-brother couldn’t be bothered to introduce me to his wife.  I had to meet his children when they visited their grandmother, and then only for a few minutes before they wanted to go off and do things on the computer (they’re in their teens, I can understand the mind-set).  Sort of a “hi, here’s your Instant-Uncle, be nice to him!”  I haven’t had any interaction with either of them since.  And really, don’t expect to.  Too, I’ve only interacted with my half-sister and her family through a couple of video chats, her 3-year-old has no clue who I am, whenever he sees me on the video screen, his response is “where’s Grampa?”.  Thanks, kid, makes me feel really welcome.  [Yes, I know he’s 3.  That was sarcasm, fyi.]

Not for nothing, but it all reminds me of when my estranged brother got married for the first time 30 years ago.  He wanted the wedding announcement to be put in the New York Times, (at the time he wanted to be known as an ‘up and comer’) and whoever took down the copy at the Times got the names mixed up.  If anyone bothers to look in the Times history, my adopted father is listed as the groom.  Nice going, NYT.  And one wonders why copy editors are so highly prized.

RIP Aunt Lorraine.

Doldrums

Doldrums (n.) – a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression.

January is a generally a month where one regroups after the hectic ‘go-go-go’ of the Thanksgiving/Christmas season.  It’s a New Year, but it’s also a time where things slow down considerably, before ramping up towards the holidays of Valentine’s Day, and then Easter.  I’ve always equated it to the term above, remembering about when I learned of the other definition of the word.  IE: an equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms, and light unpredictable winds.

It’s more of the ‘light unpredictable winds’ I’m referring to than anything else.  How to keep yourself motivated, when everything around you is stagnant.  It’s a difficult time of year to create change, like many people attempt to do, with their resolutions of this, that and the other thing.  Generally, I’ve given up on making New Year resolutions, because it ends up being a wasted effort, since the desire to ‘change’ doesn’t tend to stay in the forefront of my brain for more than a couple of weeks, at best.

Change is difficult under any circumstances, to be sure. But forcing the issue on yourself doesn’t make it any easier.  Things like weight loss, like quitting drinking, or smoking, or some other habit has to be done when you desire to do it, not on some schedule, either self-imposed, or due to peer pressure.  The argument ‘Well, everyone else is doing it‘ doesn’t work any better as you get older, than it did when you were younger.  The old argument ‘if everyone else jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you as well?‘ definitely applies.

Here we are, 2019.  Hopefully it will be a good year.  There’s always that possibility.  Time will tell, of course.  Should be interesting if nothing else.

Cheers.