August 17, 2018

The process of dying and the ones left behind…

The point of this might be considered moot, since the parent in question died recently, but I’m putting this up here regardless.  One never knows how it might assist another in need.

writing about dying.jpg

How does one go about the business of dying, so that it’s beneficial not only for you, but the ones that you leave behind?  Is it better to try to tie up loose ends before the eventual end, or let bygones by bygones?  That’s something that we’ve been dealing with here (off and on) for the last couple of months.  Not me directly, but indirectly through my girl as she shares with me her experience with a parent that’s getting to the end of his mortal coil.

It’s doubly difficult when there’s been bad blood between the participants in the family.  When someone is getting close to the end, on occasion they wish to go off with a clean conscience, but clearing that might very well end up being less beneficial with the ones that have been wronged.

I have some personal experience with this, in that I have an adoptive brother with whom I’ve been estranged for the last 26 years.  We varied greatly in how to care for our father, my brother was more the ‘warehouse’ type of thinking, get him into a nursing home as quickly as possible, so that he could get his hands on the family fortune.  I was more interested in the ultimate care of the man, given how much he’d sacrificed for both of us, but in the end we didn’t come to terms with our varied thought processes and it created a great rift between us, one that won’t likely ever be truly fixed or buried.  Too much bad blood, really.

My girl was having this problem, because her father was dying.  They’d been estranged for many years, and when he discovered the fact that he wasn’t going to be around much longer, he wanted to make amends and reconnect with her.  She wasn’t very interested in ‘letting bygones be bygones’ and asked me what she should do.  I explained to her that if her feelings on the issue were the same as they had been at the time of the rift, then it wouldn’t really do her much good to recontact him and tell him everything was forgiven when it really wasn’t.  Sure, it might make him feel better, but what was it ultimately going to do to her in the long run?

In the end it was basically decided for her, since her father started to go downhill fairly quickly and ended up passing away about 10 days ago.  I think it’s better off for her in the long run that she didn’t harm herself in giving him something she truly didn’t believe he deserved, just for the sake of assuaging his conscience.  Whatever he thought of her went with him, she will move on as we all do after someone dies.  Stages of grief, relying on those that care about you, and ones that she wishes to share with.

Living is hard enough, without the circumstances of death making it even more difficult.

Change isn’t as bad as you might think.

My apologies for anyone that might have gotten notification earlier about this post, but I promised my girl I would give her the ability to read it first and be sure the content was ok with her.  Thank you for your patience.

poly-image.jpgRather out of the blue the other day, my girl brought to me a question.  It seems she’s become enamored with someone and wanted to know if that was going to cause a problem between her and myself.  Of course, I knew who the ‘someone‘ was, there has been a fledgling connection between them over the last couple of weeks, but she’s quite adamant that this would only constitute a bf/gf relationship, it would have zero bearing on our own BDSM one.  I’m her primary, also her Owner, so we’re in agreement that anything that goes on takes a backseat to what she and I share.

In a way I’m somewhat relieved that this happened.  It does take some of the burden off me to keep her entertained in the times that she’s not working, and I can be a little less ‘hands-on’ all the time, and be able to devote more time into my marriage, not that it’s particularly lacking.  But marriages require work just like any relationship and they don’t survive very well when one isn’t an active participant.  (As do relationships, even long distance ones, yes pet I’m WELL aware of that fact!)

Insomuch as we’ve been talking about this, would it necessarily be considered a poly relationship?  Well, not on my end, because I would have little to no contact with this person that my girl is thinking about getting more involved with.  He’s in her area, he’s married as well (both he and his wife are into kink fwiw) and THEY consider themselves to be poly.  As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, my wife and I have a quasi-open marriage, in that we agreed a LONG time ago that to stay together, we needed to seek out companionship (in the form of submissives) elsewhere and keep the core relationship, the marriage as the primary one.  Finding people who understand (as well as respect) that dynamic and mindset (as you might imagine) hasn’t been easy.  Add in the fact that I’m not interested in sex, and it just narrows that pool down to the shallow end.  The VERY shallow end, in my experience.

As we’ve been progressing in our conversations about this, my girl has recently been expressing that she’s feeling guilty over having this connection, since she’s able to see him whenever she feels like it, and can only see me when circumstances and finances permit.  Yesterday when she expressed this, I suggested that she was feeling ‘homesick’.  She countered that it’s more of a feeling of ‘Daddysick’, that she’s missing me greatly (it has now been about a month and a half since we met in PA) and really wants to get together again.  We’d been planning on her coming up here either at the end of this month or at the beginning of September, but that had to be put off due to finances on her end.  Too many things to do, to pay for, and a trip north has to be put on the back burner.

I’m very satisfied with how she’s progressing in our BDSM.  Though of course we both wish that it could be done more often, life and responsibilities (and yes finances) just gets in the way sometimes.  Ok, more than sometimes.  But in the end we’re in this for the long haul, so we have to keep our eyes on the prize, which is the future.  So we continue on and figure it out as we go.

This diagram just seemed to fit the flavor of this post, so I thought I’d bring it along for the ride.