Why We Fight

Yesterday afternoon, during my lunch, my girl and I texted as we almost always do.  It’s a respite in my day, and it keeps her engaged, so why not.  During the course of the conversation, she asked if we could video chat after I finished work.  I don’t live very far from where I work (a little over a mile) so the travel home is almost non-existent.  Before she moved, and changed jobs, what we used to do is have our video chats on the weekend, because she didn’t work weekends.  I do, but that’s beside the point.

Nowadays, we don’t video chat as often as we used to.  So she asks if we can during the week occasionally.  Unless there’s some pressing need for me to be home immediately (there usually isn’t) I agree, and we have our conversation. It usually lasts about an hour and then I go home.  My wife rarely says anything about why I’m late, sometimes an aside comment about me ‘dawdling’.  I either agree that I was, explain why I was, and then go about my evening.

Before I get into the meat of the post, I need to mention something.  I’m not by nature a social person.  I force myself to be, because it’s how you get along in the world.  I can be perfectly happy in a solitary space, not talking to much of anyone for hours, if not days.  When my wife and I started in our marriage, she used to try to engage me in conversation many (many!) times a day, but it’s not really me.  Nowadays, we talk about things that matter, things about the house, each other, upcoming appointments, what’s for dinner, what we might need in the larder or refrigerator and that’s about it.  We don’t generally have long protracted conversations.  She has friends for that.

Yesterday afternoon, during our video chat, we had a fight.  And it was about communication.  Mostly about the frequency of it.  When I had other submissives, we didn’t talk all that much.  We certainly didn’t talk every day, which is what my girl wishes to do.  (Insists on, more often than not) Yes, we’re a couple, and yes we’re in a relationship.  But it’s a long distance one.  Which (to me) means there can be times when we don’t talk for hours on end.  But we make a point to talk every day.  Several times a day.  It’s not in my wheelhouse, but I do it because she feels the need for it.  I’ve mentioned several times that I talk to her more than I’ve pretty much talked to anyone in my entire life.  And it’s true.  I can tell that she doesn’t get it, because she’s a social person.  People for whom conversation comes easily don’t really understand how hard it is to engage and be what they are naturally.  But again, I’m doing it for her, and to further our relationship while it’s still long distance.  (And yes, we’re working on that, trying to figure out ways to get together more often)

After we fought, there was silence.  And no, it wasn’t blissful.  I could easily tell she was still upset and on the verge of tears.  But she stoically stared into her phone and in clipped tones kept telling me she was ‘fine‘.  When she wasn’t.  And we both knew she wasn’t.  By that time we had been video chatting for about and hour, and I needed to get home.  So when I finally hung up, I knew she was going to cry.  The question at that point was, what was going to happen later.

Before dinner, I texted her to see how she was doing.  Silence.  No reply.  I followed up with a text about making dinner and would check in again later.  When I did, she popped up again.  We talked some more and though the situation isn’t completely resolved, we did talk about what happened and what to do about it.  It’s not going to be an easy fix.   Relationship nuts and bolts don’t always go in easily. Sometimes you need grease, sometimes you need to find the right nuts and bolts to make them go together.  But the upshot is, we’re conversing, not just being pissed with one another.

People in relationships fight.  But it’s what you do afterward that makes all the difference.